Nothing to Hold On To
by Cutieqtpie
Summary: Chapter 2 finally up...please review!
1. Default Chapter

This is another one of those stories that just came to me during Pre- Cal today. This story is really cool because you're going to have to read the second chapter to have any idea of what's going on. Review and tell me what you think. The characters aren't even mentioned at all in the story, but little hints are definitely given as to the identities.  
  
This story is dedicated to all the people I talked to on the Cure Autism Now ER Golf Tournament chat room last week when we got no web cast. I really enjoyed talking to you guys even if we got no video. Plus some of you said nice things about my fics, so I thought it only fitting that I should give a little shoutout! :-D  
  
Disclaimer: As no characters are mentioned in this story, I'm not sure I even need a disclaimer, but it might come in handy for upcoming chapters.  
  
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He slowly put his key in the lock and turned it to open to e door. When it didn't open immediately, he wearily jammed his shoulder into it until it gave way and opened. He was surprised to see the soft glare of the television across the room, but as he walked towards it to turn it off, he noticed her lying down on the sofa, eyes closed and a blanket across her feet. He had sent her home several hours earlier while he finished up. Actually, that wasn't true. He just needed time to be by himself even though he knew he should be comforting her instead. As he leaned over the sofa to look at her, he could see that her eyes were red and puffy, and matched his own. Gently, he pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and gently leaned down and kissed her head.  
  
As he walked towards the bedroom, he took a look around the apartment and saw everything was the same as it had been that morning. Yet it was obvious something was missing. The usually cheerful atmosphere of the home was gone. When he reached the closet, he pulled off his scrub top and ran his hand through his hair. A mixture of sweat and frustration stuck to his hand and he wiped it against his pants to try to get rid of the feeling. He walked into the bathroom and bent down at the sink to splash some water on his face. He looked at his reflection and suddenly felt incredibly old for his mere 35 years.  
  
For some reason, he didn't hear her come up behind him until she had sat down on the edge of the tub to his right.  
  
"Hey. Did I wake you?" He asked her, speaking in a quiet voice though he didn't know why.  
  
"No. I've only been sleeping for little amounts at a time." She said in a similar voice and brushed a piece of hair away from her face. The blanket was still wrapped around her in a strange déjà vu from several years earlier when he had returned from Belize to find her hungover. "Have you at the hospital all this time?"  
  
"No, I just went and walked around by the river." He knew under normal circumstances she would chide him about going out in the freezing weather, but both of them knew how comforting the river could be.  
  
"Does everyone know?" She asked after a moment of silence between them.  
  
"I don't know. Susan offered to help with everything. This just isn't registering, you know?" He hadn't expected a response of any kind, but she closed her eyes and nodded firmly. He sighed and wiped his eyes. "I can't think clearly anymore."  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"Almost two."  
  
"I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have a shift at eight."  
  
"No you don't. Kerry said for both of us to take as much time off as we need."  
  
"I need to go in. I can't just sit here and do nothing. At least at the hospital I can be helping other people even if I can't help myself." She wiped a tear that started to trickle down her face. He bent down to kiss her, but she turned her head so that his lips hit her cheek instead.  
  
"Let me in. I'm going through this too, damn it." He said angrily and moved back again. "I thought this would change after we got married, but nothing has changed."  
  
"Don't you dare put this on me." She replied angrily, standing up.  
  
"Then let me in."  
  
"I can't do that right now." She put her head in her hands and leaned against the counter.  
  
"Come on." He said, softening at her display of emotion. "Let's go to bed."  
  
He walked into the other room and pulled the pillows off the bed before turning down the sheets. As he was finishing this, she walked in and slid under the covers on her side of the bed. He did the same, but shut off the lamp on the bedside table before laying his head on his pillow. As he shut his eyes, he felt a slight shaking on the other side of the bed and looked to his left and saw her turned away from him, obviously crying. He rolled over and kissed her bare shoulder before wrapping his arm over her waist. Suddenly, he felt her smooth hand grab his and pull it close to her. Before he knew it, he realized he was weeping too quietly into her hair. And they stayed like that for some time, both having nothing to hold onto, yet so much within each other to hold onto at the same time. 


	2. Big Boy Bed

TITLE: Big Boy Bed  
  
NOTES: Sorry it took so long to update this. I wanted to post it before the premiere on Thursday, but schoolwork got in my way. So here it is. Please review! Next chapter will be on as soon as I write it. Lol. (  
  
Early the next morning as he awoke, he realized the form that had been slightly pressed against him for the past several hours was gone and her side of the bed was cold. He looked towards the bathroom, thinking maybe that was where she had run off to, but it was empty. He slowly swung his feet over the side of the bed and with a small moan, lifted himself off the bed. As he exited their bedroom, he looked towards the living room, yet still saw no sign of her either in there or in the kitchen. He turned to the right and walked down the short hallway and peered into the next room. Even though it was still dark and there were no lights on, he instantly recognized her figure sitting in the rocking chair in the far corner of the room. Her head was turned away from him and as he came into the doorway of the room and got a better view, he watched her chest rise and fall as she held a stuffed animal close to her.  
  
He watched her for a moment before turning around to go back to the bedroom. His foot squeaked against the polished wooden floors though instantly waking her up.  
  
"John?" Her soft voice cut through the silence of the early dawn.  
  
"You weren't in bed. I came to find you." He explained.  
  
"I couldn't sleep. I keep expecting for him to come running into the room and then I realize it's never going to happen again." As she said this, he reentered the room and sat down on the end of the recently purchased "big boy" bed. He could still recall the little boy standing in the store pointing at the bed and begging his parents to get it for him.  
  
"Are you sure that's the one you want?" Abby had asked him several times, just to tease him.  
  
"Yes Mommy. I want that one." He had said in as much absolute seriousness as a three year old can muster up.  
  
"Okay then, go tell Daddy and see what he says." He had run towards his father who was standing several feet away looking at something else and had missed the entire conversation between his wife and son. Suddenly he felt a tug on his shirt and looked down to see his son looking up at him with his mother's eyes.  
  
"Daddy! Daddy! I found the bed I want and Mommy said to tell you."  
  
"Which one is it? That one over there?" John pointed towards a bed on the other side of the store which had a big gauzy canopy over it.  
  
"No. This one." The boy grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the bright red race car bed in the children's section. "It's a big boy bed!"  
  
"Wow." John smiled and picked the child up into his arms. "That's the one you want, Aidan?"  
  
He nodded as his father put him back down on the ground.  
  
"Okay then. One big boy bed coming right up."  
  
Carter would have smiled when recalling this memory under any other circumstance, but now it just upset him even more. He took in his surroundings once again and ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He looked back up at his wife and noticed how thin and gaunt she looked.  
  
"Do you want something to eat? Coffee?" She quickly shook her head and he pressed his lips together. "Did you get any sleep?"  
  
She shook her head again.  
  
"Every time I closed my eyes I saw him lying on that gurney." Abby whispered, a single tear threatening to drop down her face. "And I see him covered in tubes and blood and I don't think I can go back there again. It's hard enough to be here without him."  
  
John just nodded as he could find no words to say to comfort her since those were the same feelings he was having.  
  
"I can't take this. I have to get out of here." Abby wiped her tear streaked face and stood up. "I need to walk or something."  
  
"Abby, it's four o'clock in the morning and it's freezing out there."  
  
"Then come with me."  
  
"Fine." He sighed and stood up as Abby exited the room. He turned and followed her back to the bedroom where he found she was already pulling on warm clothes. He did the same and several minutes later, they left the apartment. Neither one knew where they were going, yet they didn't seem to care. About ten minutes later, they had reached the river and that all too familiar bench. Abby sat down while John stood by the railing and looked out over the Chicago river.  
  
"I'm sorry John." Her voice was clear through the crisp weather. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Aidan. It's my fault that he's dead. I should have been watching him. And I'm so sorry."  
  
"Listen to me, it's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to stop this."  
  
"I was his mother. I was supposed to protect him. If I had been keeping a better eye on him this wouldn't have happened."  
  
"Susan was there too, are you going to blame her as well?" This silenced Abby and she wrapped her arms around herself and stared out at the water. "It's not your fault Abby and it's not Susan's fault. It's nobody's fault except for that maniac."  
  
"It's not fair."  
  
"Of course it's not fair. Somehow everything has a purpose for happening though. I learned that a long time ago. This is just another challenge for us. It's a test. We'll pull through stronger than before."  
  
"I don't want to pull through anything. I want things to be the way they were last week." Abby wiped tears that were now streaming down her face again.  
  
"Come here." John said and at first she shook her head, but finally stood up as he walked towards her. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close as she continued to cry into his chest. One hand was rested at the back of her head and the other was placed firmly on her back. He kissed the side of her face before placing both hands on either side of her head.  
  
"We're going to be alright." He looked her in the eyes and said firmly. "No matter what, we're going to be alright." 


End file.
